Irony (and my beliefs about marriage)

I was thinking this morning about my best friend from high school - Carrie. Back in high school I had assumed that Carrie would be living what is now my life - single, going to bars, living it up. And she assumed that I would be what is ultimately her life - married, kids, and responsability up the wazoo.

Instead she got pregnant with her kid when we were 20. And then married the dad after the fact when we were 21 I believe. She also became the step-mother to the dad's other kid, and ended up having a second child with him.

I was thinking how ironic it was that here I am going to concerts, and clubs every weekend making my own club clothes and living a free life while she is saddled with 3 kids and a not-so-great marriage.

I know for myself that I am pretty happy with the state of my affairs right now. Yes, I get lonely and wish I had a boyfriend where I could just go hang out at his house and read on his bed while he does something else. Or I get tired of coming home to just my dog for company... But ultimately my life is where I want it.

Unlike Carrie's belief that I would want kids when I "got older," I still don't want children. I have a lot of reasons and I'm sure that a lot of people would call me selfish... but I can't even picture myself with a child of my own. That's not something that I can see ever happening to myself. I can see myself with two dogs, but not a kid - unless it's of the goat variety.

(Yes, I can still see myself owning goats again - they are really neat animals.)

I'd love to have a long term companion to share my life with. Someone to travel with and share memories with. Someone to maybe grow old and cranky with but who wouldn't have to marry me for that privledge. It is my belief that love does not make the marriage and marriage does not make the relationship. I just want someone to share my life with.

Marriage has it's benefits like financial stability for one... but there are times I just see marriage as nothing more than a business arrangement between two people. That's what my parents marriage is more or less like. There are days I don't even believe my parents LIKE each other... but they stay together because it's easier than dissolving their finances.

Granted not all marriages are like my parents, but still I see this sort of situation happening far more often the older the couple gets.

In other words - Marriage is started off with "love." They evolve into business. You don't have to like the person you just have to handle your joint money responsibly. And that does involve fidelity - because if you go outside the arrangement then you ultimately will spend the joint money irresponsibly thus putting the business of marriage that your partner andyourself have.

I'm so cynical sometimes.

;P

My "older" dog.

I'm watching Mojo play with an apple. I gave it to him so he could eat it, instead he's throwing it around the house while growling and play bowing to it. Granted, he is occasionally taking delicate little nibbles when pauses long enough to stop pushing it around like a hockey puck on my wood floors.

What a goofball.

Mojo acts like a puppy so much of the time that the only way I know he's actually getting older is because the white on his face keeps spreading.

I've never had a dog like him before.

Explanations of life may be repeated to infinity as the mind solves the mysteries within.

Since tonight I am missing Inferno's Animania night I've decided to stay in bed watching Appleseed and Ghost in the Shell II. As much as I like the original Ghost in the Shell, it does not draw me in quite like II does. I don't know if it's watching the basset hound or watching Batou struggle with his grief... but the philosophy of it is more engaging than all the action in the original.

Thus here I am thinking about many things that I have vocalized before that my depression colors in the subdued rainbow hues of my personality. And as redundant as my journal may be, I can't help but continue to return to the same themes that preoccupy me. It's almost as though I am trying to sort out the puzzle of it all in my head before I can move onto the next life.

Yes. I believe in reincarnation. This shouldn't be a surprised to many of you.

I constantly battle abandonment issues.
When will all of you leave? What happens when I am alone again? Will anyone come back? Will there be others? Why must everyone leave me in the end. Please don't go.

Feelings of unworth.
I have worth but I have unworth too. The value of myself set by myself is my worth. The value that others set is my worth. But the pain that is caused by myself as well as by others is my unworth. Do they balance out? Is one stronger than the other? I know I am unworthy of so many associations that I have in my life but I know I am worth more than others treat me. The constant battle between the two sides can rip me apart.

What constitutes a declaration of love?
The words? A touch? A look? The way someone treats you?

I know my dog loves me. He may not love me as a human does, but I know that he loves me with what he has in him. I know I am not my dog's only love. I know the love he has for me is based on food, companionship, and care on my part. He is dependant on me so thus he loves me and is loyal to our pact. Much like a child is dependant and thus loves it's parent even if that parent abuses every inch of that child.

That being said, I've often said in many different ways that the only people who have truly hurt me are the people who say they love me. Yet, I still pursue love. I still want someone to love me even though i know the risk is the abuse and abandonment. It seems that I want the pain of love as much as the euphoria.

I love others. The ones I love know that I love them - I tell them often. I do not wish them harm... yet I seem to cause harm despite my fervent wish not to. I wish i could stop hurting others, but that would mean the cessation of the ability to love.

A thin sharp edged knife to the psyche seems the only way to cease to hurt and to love.


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These are the puzzles that lock me into knots when I lay by myself in bed. As well as random thoughts that I wonder if I will stop breathing for good when I finally answer this life's questions. When I run out of questions will I stop being born anew? Will the evolution of the spirit finally cease and I will no longer hurt inside?

Another puzzle for another day.


Back to my movie.

It is rare indeed to feel treasured.

Right now?

That's how I feel.

As temporary and fleeting as it may be.

It's nice.

Reinvention

I started this blog as a way to get away from my livejournal. I was thinking I needed to take a break completely from livejournal and reinvent myself. Instead, this blog here has languished as I didn't reinvent myself - I just tried to make my life better.

I became social again. I go out with friends, go dancing, and am contemplating really going back to school this time. Really Really Go back. Yeah something like that...

My livejournal is still filled daily with my thoughts about other people, funny things my dog Mojo does, and various politcal musings. This blog? It was filled with anger laced posts about the stupidity of work.

I think I need a new job, not more anger in my life.

So, what shall this blog become? How shall i reinvent it?

I'm thinking about just deleting everything from before and using it as a portfolio. That way no one has to go to my other happygo journal and possibly be offended by the name. (like my family).

If you find me... hi!

If no one finds this corner.. then that's good too. We all need corners of the world to call our own and to keep them to ourselves.