Explanations of life may be repeated to infinity as the mind solves the mysteries within.

Since tonight I am missing Inferno's Animania night I've decided to stay in bed watching Appleseed and Ghost in the Shell II. As much as I like the original Ghost in the Shell, it does not draw me in quite like II does. I don't know if it's watching the basset hound or watching Batou struggle with his grief... but the philosophy of it is more engaging than all the action in the original.

Thus here I am thinking about many things that I have vocalized before that my depression colors in the subdued rainbow hues of my personality. And as redundant as my journal may be, I can't help but continue to return to the same themes that preoccupy me. It's almost as though I am trying to sort out the puzzle of it all in my head before I can move onto the next life.

Yes. I believe in reincarnation. This shouldn't be a surprised to many of you.

I constantly battle abandonment issues.
When will all of you leave? What happens when I am alone again? Will anyone come back? Will there be others? Why must everyone leave me in the end. Please don't go.

Feelings of unworth.
I have worth but I have unworth too. The value of myself set by myself is my worth. The value that others set is my worth. But the pain that is caused by myself as well as by others is my unworth. Do they balance out? Is one stronger than the other? I know I am unworthy of so many associations that I have in my life but I know I am worth more than others treat me. The constant battle between the two sides can rip me apart.

What constitutes a declaration of love?
The words? A touch? A look? The way someone treats you?

I know my dog loves me. He may not love me as a human does, but I know that he loves me with what he has in him. I know I am not my dog's only love. I know the love he has for me is based on food, companionship, and care on my part. He is dependant on me so thus he loves me and is loyal to our pact. Much like a child is dependant and thus loves it's parent even if that parent abuses every inch of that child.

That being said, I've often said in many different ways that the only people who have truly hurt me are the people who say they love me. Yet, I still pursue love. I still want someone to love me even though i know the risk is the abuse and abandonment. It seems that I want the pain of love as much as the euphoria.

I love others. The ones I love know that I love them - I tell them often. I do not wish them harm... yet I seem to cause harm despite my fervent wish not to. I wish i could stop hurting others, but that would mean the cessation of the ability to love.

A thin sharp edged knife to the psyche seems the only way to cease to hurt and to love.


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These are the puzzles that lock me into knots when I lay by myself in bed. As well as random thoughts that I wonder if I will stop breathing for good when I finally answer this life's questions. When I run out of questions will I stop being born anew? Will the evolution of the spirit finally cease and I will no longer hurt inside?

Another puzzle for another day.


Back to my movie.

It is rare indeed to feel treasured.

Right now?

That's how I feel.

As temporary and fleeting as it may be.

It's nice.