The preliminary search begins

I'm starting to seriously consider getting a second dog. And as such I'm starting to make a list of the qualities I'd like to find in a dog. Since it's slightly slow at work, what with the bad weather, I shall list some of these things here.

- Must come from a humane society or rescue
- An adult dog above the age of 1.
- I have a personal preference for male dogs, but think a female would work out better with my current male dog Mojo
- Small to medium sized. I will take a large dog if it's got the energylevel of like a greyhound
- Color isn't an issue. - my dogs are not required to match either my clothes, my decor or each other.
- Short single coat
- Mid-exercise level... I do not want a dog with either a border collie's or jack's energy level. I'm pretty low energy, but I do enjoy going hiking when I can.
- Dog friendly
- Kid friendly - I do not have children, and have no intentions of having kids, but I do have my nieces and nephews to be concerned about the friendliness factor.
- Intelligence - if it's smart enough to get the meaning of my training that's good.
- I'd prefer a fairly healthy dog. I'm not rich. But I try my best to keep my dogs up to date on shots and will take to the vet as often as required (especially in emergencies).


(I admit I am more of a temperment first person than intelligence or looks first. A match on my lifestyle is another must.)

What do I have to offer?

I have a small, single story house. My yards are not fenced in although that is a future plan. My current dog goes out on a tie out for the time it takes him to go potty. I am never far away from him when he's out on his line. When we go out he is leashed at all times. I feed high quality premium food - no wheat, corn or soy, with fresh water available at all times. I do not free feed. I am low energy and I do have health problems but i try to put my dogs first because I've suffered enough heartache in losing pets due to circumstance.

I am not a breedist although I do have my preferences when it comes to dogs. I prefer mutts. I love and advocate for pit bull types. I also enjoy the other "dangerous" breeds that have fingers pointed at them so often. I'm interested in whippets, and greyhounds. Mojo is interested in everyone but he seems to occasionally have a hang up about dominant male dogs and/or german shepherds. He enjoys younger dogs as he still plays rough, despite being nearly 7.

I do not think I am ready for a second dog just yet ... I am attempting to go back to school while holding down two jobs. This may not be a good time to consider this...

But it is my belief that it is better to try to get your own list of requirements in order first so you don't just fall for the first cute face. I want another dog that works well with my current lifestyle and personality as well as Mojo's. I don't want to discover too late that I've bitten off more than i can responsibly take care of.

This is how I started off my search that led me to Mojo. And I've had nearly five years with him - five good years of not regretting my decision to adopt him. I'd like to give another homeless dog a home, a soft bed, plenty of food, vet care, and snuggles. We all deserve that in some form or another.

RFK, Obama, and Optimism

Ever since watching the movie "Bobby," I've found myself facinated with Robert F. Kennedy. For my Christmas present this year, I've even requested some books about RFK, because I find his speeches to be comforting in times of mental turmoil. When work is making my head ache I do searches that yield interviews and pictures like the ones below.

Is it another obsession? I don't think so. I just want to know more about this polarizing figure who gave people hope much like the way Obama has given people hope this year.

Hope seems to be in short supply. I look at pictures like this from the 1930's and realize that those poverty striken people from the depression are a lot like what I see in my life now.

Sure, we all have electronics coming out of our ears. We have nice furniture, and blankets on our beds. We can still shop the sales at stores and be dressed in fashion. But how many Americans are wondering how they will pay their heating bills this year? Look at the people applying for unemployment these last few months - so many that the states are running out of money.

I personally look at my grocery list and try to get only the basics - tortillas, bread, milk, salsa, eggs, noodles, apples. I've begun to shop for clothes at used clothing stores more and more and more. I'm still spending money trying to get ready for Christmas, but from my christmas cards to my gifts I'm making it all.

I may have nice things, but I have a lot of the same worries. Can i keep my house? Will we stay warm? Am I going to be fired from my job? How can I afford the medications I *have* to take this month?

I can let everything else go but I want to keep my dog, my journals and my art work. I would give everything up from my computer to my house to my car if I can just keep the center of my world (my dog) and my artwork/writing. Everything else is just things, but those three elements help me to stay grounded in who I am personally as a separate entity in this world.

Despite looking forward to the inaugeration of President-elect Obama, I find myself being a little cynical at the same time. I know nothing is going to be fixed over night. That would be like waking up tomorrow and seeing gold dripping off of trees - not likely to happen.

But at the same time of knowing nothing will change so quickly, I also know one must continue to cultivate hope well-watered with the virtue of patience in order to see change happen. Optimism is sometimes hard for me to hang onto, when I see the world going to hell in a handbasket with a snowball named kitten. But I shall continue to try, as I do want to see a better day before I die.

~*~




Juan Romero - An iconic image of a young man besides a fallen hero. Remembered.


One more article that drew my heart into my throat.

I registered for classes last night.

So far I have been able to enroll in one class that fits my time schedule. I can only take classes that are 5:30 or later and even then it will be a hell of a rush to get to class on time. So, my ONE class so far is actually aimed at Tourism Students - Occupational Conversation Spanish. It will be on Mondays from 5:30pm to 8:20 and is worth 3 credits.

And i have one self-paced online course covering beginning powerpoint, word and excel 2007. It is worth 1 credit.

I am also on a waiting list for a non-degree sewing class that my friend Catherine is already signed up for. That is on Thursday nights from 6:30 - 9:30pm 1-29 to 3-5.


What does all of this mean? It means I need to dig deep into my pockets and pay for everything without a loan (can that even be done in this day of student loans?). It also means a slow slog through school based on what I can pay not on what I am capable of learning.

I mean I'm the chica who was wondering if she could take beginning nursing classes just to take them. Why? Because I am curious. I also want to take blacksmithing classes. Why? Because I'm curious.

I've waited 10 years to go back to school and now I just want to learn as much as I can. Why? That's right... because I'm curious!

Silly silly me.

:D

But I'm also really happy at the present moment that I at least have the chance to learn anything I want as long as I can pay for it.

Keeping Hope and Goals Alive

I admit it I don't really understand the overall ramifications of the current economic crisis in the United States. I don't even really understand how it's going to affect me. But what I do understand is that I have to make sure that no matter what happens I need to keep my dog with me, a roof over our heads, food in our mouths and warmth in our house. I also need to stay on my medications for my asthma as best as I am able.

A lot of people are losing their beloved pets due to home foreclosure. I do not intend to be one of those people. As much as I don't want to lose my house, I really don't want to lose my dog. Even if I'm homeless I still want to keep Mojo.

For just once in my adult life I want to keep a dog from the time I adopt him to the time he dies. I want to provide good to excellent care and to give a stable non-abusive household to said dog. After all the shit I went through in trying to do that for Kody and failing miserably, I just really want to give Mojo a good permanent home.

On the job front:
I have stopped looking for another job. I may not always like my job, but it is at least paying me well, and I have health benefits. I'm still trying to better myself so that when my job search begins again I will be more able to find a job.

Despite my concerns about my personal finances I'm still trying to go back to school this coming semester. I will not be taking out a student loan because I *know* I wouldn't be able to keep up with the payments. So I will be paying for each class out of my own pocket.

As of right now - the only hopes for classes I have for the coming semester are:
Online Courses:
Excel Beginning $112
Excel Intermediate $112

A non-credit sewing class (I really want to learn how to sew my own clothes). $40

Once I take my placement tests and/or transfer my credits from Bemidji State University I will worry about how I will do the required English and Math skills. My big problems there are oriented with what times they offer those classes in relation to what my work schedule is.

But I'm trying to keep up hope that I will get back to school somehow. I still don't even have the intention to graduate, I just want to learn something new asnd keep my mind from stagnating any more than it currently is.

Is it cynical of me to say that I'm trying to train my mind/heart to just accept that I need to keep my center around Mojo, school, and financial survival?

I want to date. I want to be emotionally close to someone. But I'm so scared of the potential for pain that I just can't take the steps to opening my mouth and asking. My physical needs are currently being met, and my emotional needs are being partly met via friends. If I could date again, I find my desire to ask centered on one person. But that one person isnt someone I have the courage to really, fully ask.

Mojo, school, money.
Mojo, school, money
Mojo, school, money.

No boys allowed. ;)

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Wow even someone on foxnews thinks pit bull bans are stupid

One of the few times I agree with FoxNews is when I read this opinion piece.

Last Night's Episode with Mojo's Brattiness

You heard me.
Mojo is a brat.
A spoiled, demanding brat of a dog.

Last night I was out shoveling snow with him running around on his lead line. As I began shoveling my driveway I noticed that he was sitting on our front porch watching me. I figured I was only going to be another five minutes so I didn't go put him in the house.

When I was in the middle of shoveling my driveway Mojo barked once. I looked up to see where the dog or human was. No one was there.

I looked back at Mojo and he was staring at me. So, I go back to shoveling. Mojo barked again, this time with more emphasis and volume.

I looked up again. No one. Looked at Mojo he was now standing on the front porch with his tail raised like a flag.

I sighed.

I then walked over and opened the door for Mojo. I told him, "You are a brat." Mojo wagged his tail and sat inside our enclosed front porch and watched as I finished shoveling.


Brat.

Too Much To Process

Today my brain is reeling from way too many thoughts.

I admit I am thinking about the past. I'm looking at what happened between 2005-2007 in my personal life and trying to view it from a slightly different perspective. It's come to my attention that it is possible that what I believed at the time was being unduly influenced by my then boyfriend's narcissism.

I'm also trying to go back to the two month span between when I was sleeping with the man that was my bennies at the time (j) to dating the man who became my boyfriend back then (n). I'm also not liking what I'm seeing, as I feel kind of stupid for making the decision I did for the reasons I did.

I keep coming back to this thought that I get tired of feeling at my core that you can't trust people. They will never treat you as well as you deserve. More often than not this is how life has played out for me though. Yet, I know I am at fault for choosign to love who I love... I tend to choose people who play out all over again the invalidation I've gotten from others in the past.

Do you know how hard it is to look back on a relationship and realize that there was emotional abuse tendacies threaded throughout it? I keep thinking I had a normal relationship only to realize how much that then boyfriend fed my insecurity which caused me to isolate myself from others.

I'm good at that mode of self-protection.

Now I want to date again but I do not trust myself to choose well. The people I want to ask out? I don't trust that any of them will treat me well emotionally, so maybe I'm just better off alone.

I want to love someone and be loved by them. Yet so often in my life because of my choice of mates, love has always been accompanied by abuse of some sort. That's not love. That's a display in the imbalance in power that can happen between two co-dependant people.

Now I find out that what I suspected to be true is in fact true. That what I had always thought was going on was. And I'm still sitting here reeling with the fact that I'm not surprised, but I am still hurt with the information I now have.

There is no set definition of what Emotional abuse actually is. It's a term that gets bandied around a lot and made to apply to many different situations. And it's appropriate for a lot of different situations, whether it's a child being told that at the age of 4 they are a slut, or an elderly man being told that since he's old he can't make his own decisions, or a woman like myself being told that I'm at fault for my boyfriend being angry.

The one definition that sticks out in my brain about the phrase "emotional abuse" is that you are made to feel responsible for what is not your fault. That can erode your self-esteem and self-worth... and you come to believe you are worth less and the only way to become worth more is to try and prove everyone wrong.

It's a futile gesture to try and prove something that can't be proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. You could be a saint, and your abuser would still tell you that everything you do is wrong.

I have been there so many times.

I understand the mechanics of abuse. I understand the underlying causes of it, and what personality types abuse others. I know what I can do for myself to make it so I'm less the victim, and with every relationship I get better at surviving and leaving. But in the back of my head I still believe that I am the root cause of all of my own misery - never mind the fact that it actually began before I really knew what cause and effect were, not to mention, personal responsibility.

I know part of my problems right now stem from an emotional boredom. I want someone to love because it can be exciting, and comfortable at the same time. I want someone to love me because I miss the "family" feeling of having someone come through the door to see Mojo and I, not because I asked them to come over but because they want to be there.

At the same time though, I know that in a month's time I will be getting ready for a new life with a lot more responsibility. I will be attempting to balance to two jobs, as well as school. I will need even more time for Mojo, my studies and my emotional health.

And yet despite this daunting prospect? I'm excited!

I'm excited because I am doing something to get out of my rut, and it's not buying a new sweater, or getting a new dog, or asking someone out. It's something just for myself and for my future. And that is exciting to me.

But until then I'm left with my thoughts, my sadness, my disappointment, and my anger. I'm left to sit here asking myself why?

Yet, even if I had all of the answers that could apply, I'd still be asking the same questions because I just can't wrap my brain around it all. It's impossible.

But then life generally is.