Too Much To Process

Today my brain is reeling from way too many thoughts.

I admit I am thinking about the past. I'm looking at what happened between 2005-2007 in my personal life and trying to view it from a slightly different perspective. It's come to my attention that it is possible that what I believed at the time was being unduly influenced by my then boyfriend's narcissism.

I'm also trying to go back to the two month span between when I was sleeping with the man that was my bennies at the time (j) to dating the man who became my boyfriend back then (n). I'm also not liking what I'm seeing, as I feel kind of stupid for making the decision I did for the reasons I did.

I keep coming back to this thought that I get tired of feeling at my core that you can't trust people. They will never treat you as well as you deserve. More often than not this is how life has played out for me though. Yet, I know I am at fault for choosign to love who I love... I tend to choose people who play out all over again the invalidation I've gotten from others in the past.

Do you know how hard it is to look back on a relationship and realize that there was emotional abuse tendacies threaded throughout it? I keep thinking I had a normal relationship only to realize how much that then boyfriend fed my insecurity which caused me to isolate myself from others.

I'm good at that mode of self-protection.

Now I want to date again but I do not trust myself to choose well. The people I want to ask out? I don't trust that any of them will treat me well emotionally, so maybe I'm just better off alone.

I want to love someone and be loved by them. Yet so often in my life because of my choice of mates, love has always been accompanied by abuse of some sort. That's not love. That's a display in the imbalance in power that can happen between two co-dependant people.

Now I find out that what I suspected to be true is in fact true. That what I had always thought was going on was. And I'm still sitting here reeling with the fact that I'm not surprised, but I am still hurt with the information I now have.

There is no set definition of what Emotional abuse actually is. It's a term that gets bandied around a lot and made to apply to many different situations. And it's appropriate for a lot of different situations, whether it's a child being told that at the age of 4 they are a slut, or an elderly man being told that since he's old he can't make his own decisions, or a woman like myself being told that I'm at fault for my boyfriend being angry.

The one definition that sticks out in my brain about the phrase "emotional abuse" is that you are made to feel responsible for what is not your fault. That can erode your self-esteem and self-worth... and you come to believe you are worth less and the only way to become worth more is to try and prove everyone wrong.

It's a futile gesture to try and prove something that can't be proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. You could be a saint, and your abuser would still tell you that everything you do is wrong.

I have been there so many times.

I understand the mechanics of abuse. I understand the underlying causes of it, and what personality types abuse others. I know what I can do for myself to make it so I'm less the victim, and with every relationship I get better at surviving and leaving. But in the back of my head I still believe that I am the root cause of all of my own misery - never mind the fact that it actually began before I really knew what cause and effect were, not to mention, personal responsibility.

I know part of my problems right now stem from an emotional boredom. I want someone to love because it can be exciting, and comfortable at the same time. I want someone to love me because I miss the "family" feeling of having someone come through the door to see Mojo and I, not because I asked them to come over but because they want to be there.

At the same time though, I know that in a month's time I will be getting ready for a new life with a lot more responsibility. I will be attempting to balance to two jobs, as well as school. I will need even more time for Mojo, my studies and my emotional health.

And yet despite this daunting prospect? I'm excited!

I'm excited because I am doing something to get out of my rut, and it's not buying a new sweater, or getting a new dog, or asking someone out. It's something just for myself and for my future. And that is exciting to me.

But until then I'm left with my thoughts, my sadness, my disappointment, and my anger. I'm left to sit here asking myself why?

Yet, even if I had all of the answers that could apply, I'd still be asking the same questions because I just can't wrap my brain around it all. It's impossible.

But then life generally is.