The preliminary search begins

I'm starting to seriously consider getting a second dog. And as such I'm starting to make a list of the qualities I'd like to find in a dog. Since it's slightly slow at work, what with the bad weather, I shall list some of these things here.

- Must come from a humane society or rescue
- An adult dog above the age of 1.
- I have a personal preference for male dogs, but think a female would work out better with my current male dog Mojo
- Small to medium sized. I will take a large dog if it's got the energylevel of like a greyhound
- Color isn't an issue. - my dogs are not required to match either my clothes, my decor or each other.
- Short single coat
- Mid-exercise level... I do not want a dog with either a border collie's or jack's energy level. I'm pretty low energy, but I do enjoy going hiking when I can.
- Dog friendly
- Kid friendly - I do not have children, and have no intentions of having kids, but I do have my nieces and nephews to be concerned about the friendliness factor.
- Intelligence - if it's smart enough to get the meaning of my training that's good.
- I'd prefer a fairly healthy dog. I'm not rich. But I try my best to keep my dogs up to date on shots and will take to the vet as often as required (especially in emergencies).


(I admit I am more of a temperment first person than intelligence or looks first. A match on my lifestyle is another must.)

What do I have to offer?

I have a small, single story house. My yards are not fenced in although that is a future plan. My current dog goes out on a tie out for the time it takes him to go potty. I am never far away from him when he's out on his line. When we go out he is leashed at all times. I feed high quality premium food - no wheat, corn or soy, with fresh water available at all times. I do not free feed. I am low energy and I do have health problems but i try to put my dogs first because I've suffered enough heartache in losing pets due to circumstance.

I am not a breedist although I do have my preferences when it comes to dogs. I prefer mutts. I love and advocate for pit bull types. I also enjoy the other "dangerous" breeds that have fingers pointed at them so often. I'm interested in whippets, and greyhounds. Mojo is interested in everyone but he seems to occasionally have a hang up about dominant male dogs and/or german shepherds. He enjoys younger dogs as he still plays rough, despite being nearly 7.

I do not think I am ready for a second dog just yet ... I am attempting to go back to school while holding down two jobs. This may not be a good time to consider this...

But it is my belief that it is better to try to get your own list of requirements in order first so you don't just fall for the first cute face. I want another dog that works well with my current lifestyle and personality as well as Mojo's. I don't want to discover too late that I've bitten off more than i can responsibly take care of.

This is how I started off my search that led me to Mojo. And I've had nearly five years with him - five good years of not regretting my decision to adopt him. I'd like to give another homeless dog a home, a soft bed, plenty of food, vet care, and snuggles. We all deserve that in some form or another.

RFK, Obama, and Optimism

Ever since watching the movie "Bobby," I've found myself facinated with Robert F. Kennedy. For my Christmas present this year, I've even requested some books about RFK, because I find his speeches to be comforting in times of mental turmoil. When work is making my head ache I do searches that yield interviews and pictures like the ones below.

Is it another obsession? I don't think so. I just want to know more about this polarizing figure who gave people hope much like the way Obama has given people hope this year.

Hope seems to be in short supply. I look at pictures like this from the 1930's and realize that those poverty striken people from the depression are a lot like what I see in my life now.

Sure, we all have electronics coming out of our ears. We have nice furniture, and blankets on our beds. We can still shop the sales at stores and be dressed in fashion. But how many Americans are wondering how they will pay their heating bills this year? Look at the people applying for unemployment these last few months - so many that the states are running out of money.

I personally look at my grocery list and try to get only the basics - tortillas, bread, milk, salsa, eggs, noodles, apples. I've begun to shop for clothes at used clothing stores more and more and more. I'm still spending money trying to get ready for Christmas, but from my christmas cards to my gifts I'm making it all.

I may have nice things, but I have a lot of the same worries. Can i keep my house? Will we stay warm? Am I going to be fired from my job? How can I afford the medications I *have* to take this month?

I can let everything else go but I want to keep my dog, my journals and my art work. I would give everything up from my computer to my house to my car if I can just keep the center of my world (my dog) and my artwork/writing. Everything else is just things, but those three elements help me to stay grounded in who I am personally as a separate entity in this world.

Despite looking forward to the inaugeration of President-elect Obama, I find myself being a little cynical at the same time. I know nothing is going to be fixed over night. That would be like waking up tomorrow and seeing gold dripping off of trees - not likely to happen.

But at the same time of knowing nothing will change so quickly, I also know one must continue to cultivate hope well-watered with the virtue of patience in order to see change happen. Optimism is sometimes hard for me to hang onto, when I see the world going to hell in a handbasket with a snowball named kitten. But I shall continue to try, as I do want to see a better day before I die.

~*~




Juan Romero - An iconic image of a young man besides a fallen hero. Remembered.


One more article that drew my heart into my throat.

I registered for classes last night.

So far I have been able to enroll in one class that fits my time schedule. I can only take classes that are 5:30 or later and even then it will be a hell of a rush to get to class on time. So, my ONE class so far is actually aimed at Tourism Students - Occupational Conversation Spanish. It will be on Mondays from 5:30pm to 8:20 and is worth 3 credits.

And i have one self-paced online course covering beginning powerpoint, word and excel 2007. It is worth 1 credit.

I am also on a waiting list for a non-degree sewing class that my friend Catherine is already signed up for. That is on Thursday nights from 6:30 - 9:30pm 1-29 to 3-5.


What does all of this mean? It means I need to dig deep into my pockets and pay for everything without a loan (can that even be done in this day of student loans?). It also means a slow slog through school based on what I can pay not on what I am capable of learning.

I mean I'm the chica who was wondering if she could take beginning nursing classes just to take them. Why? Because I am curious. I also want to take blacksmithing classes. Why? Because I'm curious.

I've waited 10 years to go back to school and now I just want to learn as much as I can. Why? That's right... because I'm curious!

Silly silly me.

:D

But I'm also really happy at the present moment that I at least have the chance to learn anything I want as long as I can pay for it.

Keeping Hope and Goals Alive

I admit it I don't really understand the overall ramifications of the current economic crisis in the United States. I don't even really understand how it's going to affect me. But what I do understand is that I have to make sure that no matter what happens I need to keep my dog with me, a roof over our heads, food in our mouths and warmth in our house. I also need to stay on my medications for my asthma as best as I am able.

A lot of people are losing their beloved pets due to home foreclosure. I do not intend to be one of those people. As much as I don't want to lose my house, I really don't want to lose my dog. Even if I'm homeless I still want to keep Mojo.

For just once in my adult life I want to keep a dog from the time I adopt him to the time he dies. I want to provide good to excellent care and to give a stable non-abusive household to said dog. After all the shit I went through in trying to do that for Kody and failing miserably, I just really want to give Mojo a good permanent home.

On the job front:
I have stopped looking for another job. I may not always like my job, but it is at least paying me well, and I have health benefits. I'm still trying to better myself so that when my job search begins again I will be more able to find a job.

Despite my concerns about my personal finances I'm still trying to go back to school this coming semester. I will not be taking out a student loan because I *know* I wouldn't be able to keep up with the payments. So I will be paying for each class out of my own pocket.

As of right now - the only hopes for classes I have for the coming semester are:
Online Courses:
Excel Beginning $112
Excel Intermediate $112

A non-credit sewing class (I really want to learn how to sew my own clothes). $40

Once I take my placement tests and/or transfer my credits from Bemidji State University I will worry about how I will do the required English and Math skills. My big problems there are oriented with what times they offer those classes in relation to what my work schedule is.

But I'm trying to keep up hope that I will get back to school somehow. I still don't even have the intention to graduate, I just want to learn something new asnd keep my mind from stagnating any more than it currently is.

Is it cynical of me to say that I'm trying to train my mind/heart to just accept that I need to keep my center around Mojo, school, and financial survival?

I want to date. I want to be emotionally close to someone. But I'm so scared of the potential for pain that I just can't take the steps to opening my mouth and asking. My physical needs are currently being met, and my emotional needs are being partly met via friends. If I could date again, I find my desire to ask centered on one person. But that one person isnt someone I have the courage to really, fully ask.

Mojo, school, money.
Mojo, school, money
Mojo, school, money.

No boys allowed. ;)

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Wow even someone on foxnews thinks pit bull bans are stupid

One of the few times I agree with FoxNews is when I read this opinion piece.

Last Night's Episode with Mojo's Brattiness

You heard me.
Mojo is a brat.
A spoiled, demanding brat of a dog.

Last night I was out shoveling snow with him running around on his lead line. As I began shoveling my driveway I noticed that he was sitting on our front porch watching me. I figured I was only going to be another five minutes so I didn't go put him in the house.

When I was in the middle of shoveling my driveway Mojo barked once. I looked up to see where the dog or human was. No one was there.

I looked back at Mojo and he was staring at me. So, I go back to shoveling. Mojo barked again, this time with more emphasis and volume.

I looked up again. No one. Looked at Mojo he was now standing on the front porch with his tail raised like a flag.

I sighed.

I then walked over and opened the door for Mojo. I told him, "You are a brat." Mojo wagged his tail and sat inside our enclosed front porch and watched as I finished shoveling.


Brat.

Too Much To Process

Today my brain is reeling from way too many thoughts.

I admit I am thinking about the past. I'm looking at what happened between 2005-2007 in my personal life and trying to view it from a slightly different perspective. It's come to my attention that it is possible that what I believed at the time was being unduly influenced by my then boyfriend's narcissism.

I'm also trying to go back to the two month span between when I was sleeping with the man that was my bennies at the time (j) to dating the man who became my boyfriend back then (n). I'm also not liking what I'm seeing, as I feel kind of stupid for making the decision I did for the reasons I did.

I keep coming back to this thought that I get tired of feeling at my core that you can't trust people. They will never treat you as well as you deserve. More often than not this is how life has played out for me though. Yet, I know I am at fault for choosign to love who I love... I tend to choose people who play out all over again the invalidation I've gotten from others in the past.

Do you know how hard it is to look back on a relationship and realize that there was emotional abuse tendacies threaded throughout it? I keep thinking I had a normal relationship only to realize how much that then boyfriend fed my insecurity which caused me to isolate myself from others.

I'm good at that mode of self-protection.

Now I want to date again but I do not trust myself to choose well. The people I want to ask out? I don't trust that any of them will treat me well emotionally, so maybe I'm just better off alone.

I want to love someone and be loved by them. Yet so often in my life because of my choice of mates, love has always been accompanied by abuse of some sort. That's not love. That's a display in the imbalance in power that can happen between two co-dependant people.

Now I find out that what I suspected to be true is in fact true. That what I had always thought was going on was. And I'm still sitting here reeling with the fact that I'm not surprised, but I am still hurt with the information I now have.

There is no set definition of what Emotional abuse actually is. It's a term that gets bandied around a lot and made to apply to many different situations. And it's appropriate for a lot of different situations, whether it's a child being told that at the age of 4 they are a slut, or an elderly man being told that since he's old he can't make his own decisions, or a woman like myself being told that I'm at fault for my boyfriend being angry.

The one definition that sticks out in my brain about the phrase "emotional abuse" is that you are made to feel responsible for what is not your fault. That can erode your self-esteem and self-worth... and you come to believe you are worth less and the only way to become worth more is to try and prove everyone wrong.

It's a futile gesture to try and prove something that can't be proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. You could be a saint, and your abuser would still tell you that everything you do is wrong.

I have been there so many times.

I understand the mechanics of abuse. I understand the underlying causes of it, and what personality types abuse others. I know what I can do for myself to make it so I'm less the victim, and with every relationship I get better at surviving and leaving. But in the back of my head I still believe that I am the root cause of all of my own misery - never mind the fact that it actually began before I really knew what cause and effect were, not to mention, personal responsibility.

I know part of my problems right now stem from an emotional boredom. I want someone to love because it can be exciting, and comfortable at the same time. I want someone to love me because I miss the "family" feeling of having someone come through the door to see Mojo and I, not because I asked them to come over but because they want to be there.

At the same time though, I know that in a month's time I will be getting ready for a new life with a lot more responsibility. I will be attempting to balance to two jobs, as well as school. I will need even more time for Mojo, my studies and my emotional health.

And yet despite this daunting prospect? I'm excited!

I'm excited because I am doing something to get out of my rut, and it's not buying a new sweater, or getting a new dog, or asking someone out. It's something just for myself and for my future. And that is exciting to me.

But until then I'm left with my thoughts, my sadness, my disappointment, and my anger. I'm left to sit here asking myself why?

Yet, even if I had all of the answers that could apply, I'd still be asking the same questions because I just can't wrap my brain around it all. It's impossible.

But then life generally is.

Irony (and my beliefs about marriage)

I was thinking this morning about my best friend from high school - Carrie. Back in high school I had assumed that Carrie would be living what is now my life - single, going to bars, living it up. And she assumed that I would be what is ultimately her life - married, kids, and responsability up the wazoo.

Instead she got pregnant with her kid when we were 20. And then married the dad after the fact when we were 21 I believe. She also became the step-mother to the dad's other kid, and ended up having a second child with him.

I was thinking how ironic it was that here I am going to concerts, and clubs every weekend making my own club clothes and living a free life while she is saddled with 3 kids and a not-so-great marriage.

I know for myself that I am pretty happy with the state of my affairs right now. Yes, I get lonely and wish I had a boyfriend where I could just go hang out at his house and read on his bed while he does something else. Or I get tired of coming home to just my dog for company... But ultimately my life is where I want it.

Unlike Carrie's belief that I would want kids when I "got older," I still don't want children. I have a lot of reasons and I'm sure that a lot of people would call me selfish... but I can't even picture myself with a child of my own. That's not something that I can see ever happening to myself. I can see myself with two dogs, but not a kid - unless it's of the goat variety.

(Yes, I can still see myself owning goats again - they are really neat animals.)

I'd love to have a long term companion to share my life with. Someone to travel with and share memories with. Someone to maybe grow old and cranky with but who wouldn't have to marry me for that privledge. It is my belief that love does not make the marriage and marriage does not make the relationship. I just want someone to share my life with.

Marriage has it's benefits like financial stability for one... but there are times I just see marriage as nothing more than a business arrangement between two people. That's what my parents marriage is more or less like. There are days I don't even believe my parents LIKE each other... but they stay together because it's easier than dissolving their finances.

Granted not all marriages are like my parents, but still I see this sort of situation happening far more often the older the couple gets.

In other words - Marriage is started off with "love." They evolve into business. You don't have to like the person you just have to handle your joint money responsibly. And that does involve fidelity - because if you go outside the arrangement then you ultimately will spend the joint money irresponsibly thus putting the business of marriage that your partner andyourself have.

I'm so cynical sometimes.

;P

My "older" dog.

I'm watching Mojo play with an apple. I gave it to him so he could eat it, instead he's throwing it around the house while growling and play bowing to it. Granted, he is occasionally taking delicate little nibbles when pauses long enough to stop pushing it around like a hockey puck on my wood floors.

What a goofball.

Mojo acts like a puppy so much of the time that the only way I know he's actually getting older is because the white on his face keeps spreading.

I've never had a dog like him before.

Explanations of life may be repeated to infinity as the mind solves the mysteries within.

Since tonight I am missing Inferno's Animania night I've decided to stay in bed watching Appleseed and Ghost in the Shell II. As much as I like the original Ghost in the Shell, it does not draw me in quite like II does. I don't know if it's watching the basset hound or watching Batou struggle with his grief... but the philosophy of it is more engaging than all the action in the original.

Thus here I am thinking about many things that I have vocalized before that my depression colors in the subdued rainbow hues of my personality. And as redundant as my journal may be, I can't help but continue to return to the same themes that preoccupy me. It's almost as though I am trying to sort out the puzzle of it all in my head before I can move onto the next life.

Yes. I believe in reincarnation. This shouldn't be a surprised to many of you.

I constantly battle abandonment issues.
When will all of you leave? What happens when I am alone again? Will anyone come back? Will there be others? Why must everyone leave me in the end. Please don't go.

Feelings of unworth.
I have worth but I have unworth too. The value of myself set by myself is my worth. The value that others set is my worth. But the pain that is caused by myself as well as by others is my unworth. Do they balance out? Is one stronger than the other? I know I am unworthy of so many associations that I have in my life but I know I am worth more than others treat me. The constant battle between the two sides can rip me apart.

What constitutes a declaration of love?
The words? A touch? A look? The way someone treats you?

I know my dog loves me. He may not love me as a human does, but I know that he loves me with what he has in him. I know I am not my dog's only love. I know the love he has for me is based on food, companionship, and care on my part. He is dependant on me so thus he loves me and is loyal to our pact. Much like a child is dependant and thus loves it's parent even if that parent abuses every inch of that child.

That being said, I've often said in many different ways that the only people who have truly hurt me are the people who say they love me. Yet, I still pursue love. I still want someone to love me even though i know the risk is the abuse and abandonment. It seems that I want the pain of love as much as the euphoria.

I love others. The ones I love know that I love them - I tell them often. I do not wish them harm... yet I seem to cause harm despite my fervent wish not to. I wish i could stop hurting others, but that would mean the cessation of the ability to love.

A thin sharp edged knife to the psyche seems the only way to cease to hurt and to love.


...

...

...

These are the puzzles that lock me into knots when I lay by myself in bed. As well as random thoughts that I wonder if I will stop breathing for good when I finally answer this life's questions. When I run out of questions will I stop being born anew? Will the evolution of the spirit finally cease and I will no longer hurt inside?

Another puzzle for another day.


Back to my movie.

It is rare indeed to feel treasured.

Right now?

That's how I feel.

As temporary and fleeting as it may be.

It's nice.

Reinvention

I started this blog as a way to get away from my livejournal. I was thinking I needed to take a break completely from livejournal and reinvent myself. Instead, this blog here has languished as I didn't reinvent myself - I just tried to make my life better.

I became social again. I go out with friends, go dancing, and am contemplating really going back to school this time. Really Really Go back. Yeah something like that...

My livejournal is still filled daily with my thoughts about other people, funny things my dog Mojo does, and various politcal musings. This blog? It was filled with anger laced posts about the stupidity of work.

I think I need a new job, not more anger in my life.

So, what shall this blog become? How shall i reinvent it?

I'm thinking about just deleting everything from before and using it as a portfolio. That way no one has to go to my other happygo journal and possibly be offended by the name. (like my family).

If you find me... hi!

If no one finds this corner.. then that's good too. We all need corners of the world to call our own and to keep them to ourselves.

My Brain Hemorrhages sometimes.

I just got off the phone with a tech who was out to put 10M modem into a cust’s house. Cust’s computer was running window’s 98 first edition, didn’t have an Ethernet card OR a USB port installed in the computer. I very caustically asked – “What did they expect to happen? That the computer and the modem would communicate telepathically?”

The tech didn’t laugh.
I was sad.
Maybe you will instead…

I Love Them... I Really Do...

I just spoke to a customer. His computer is not turning on, and there is nothing either the tech or I can do. Tech is there for a modem install, by having me provision the modem we cannot set up the .net email account for the customer. I try to explain this to the customer and he says – “So, what you are saying is that the web pages are not going to work tonight? I won’t be able to get online or get email right?”

I said “Sir, if your computer is non-functioning at the moment, then the internet nor the websites are going to work for you. If you, however, get a working computer the internet will function.”

Customer: “Oh. Can you repeat all of that again? I want to write it all down so I can understand it.”



I took a deeeeeeeep breath in, held it, hit the mute button, released the breath, turned the mute off and said brightly, "Sure, let's see where you are confused."

5 Minute Disturbance

Morning is a time of deep sleep for me. It's when my body finally relaxes after a romp of active dreaming and I get some of the most important rest of the night. I loathe being woken up at this time, especially suddenly. However, that being said, I don't mind being woken up if it's a sense of danger that is impending.

This morning, my dog heard something outdoors that he did NOT like. He ruffed up his fur, and walked stiff legged from the bathroom, to pace between the front and back door growling. Then a sharp series of barks erupted from his throat followed by more growling.

I woke up like a shot, lay still listening to the morning outside my window. Were those footsteps I heard? The rustling of an intruder? I did not know. I could not tell. All I knew was my dog was upset about something, and I was frightened.

After a five minute performance of canine vocal skills, my dog abruptly stopped. He didn't return to the rug in the bathroom, but instead went to lay out on the rug in the kitchen. I went to check on him, and he scrambled to his feet to meet me at the kitchen doorway, ears back, head down.

Whatever the danger was was now over. My dog was back to being submissive to me and quiet overall. The only noise his nails on the hardwood floors, no imagined sounds to be heard either by my ears or my heart or my head.



I was safe once more with my protector at my door. :)

Early Onset....

(aka where I get to laugh at myself)

This just happened. I figure it’s amusing if a little sad. It’s just one of those mornings I suppose.



Me: “Dispatch! This is megan.”

Tech: “Hey Megan this is tech 9339 ….”

Me: “Oh ok… hold on a second… gotta finish something…”

45 second pause ensues as my mind blanks out and I forget where I am.

Me: “Dispatch! This is megan.”

Tech: “Hey Megan, this is tech 9339 *STILL*…

Me: “Aw crap… I’m sorry. I blanked.. I went for the first instinct.”

Tech: “You know… with Alzheimers you can wrap your own Christmas presents and still be surprised Christmas morning.”

Me: “Yeah same holds true with pets and really small children…”

We laugh.

Me: “what can I do for you?”

"Blame the Abuser not the Victim."

I was thinking on my drive home tonight of the slogan that so many responsible "dangerous breed" dog owners repeat to themselves - "Blame the Deed... not the breed." So often, people want to place the blame of what happens on an animal that does not hold the human moral code
in their heads.

This blaming the breed in such statements like: "All Pit Bulls are dangerous with their locking jaws!" or "Dobermans get to a certain age their brains swell and they become aggressive." or "Rottweilers are inherently evil and our dangerous to our communities." (etc) completely ignores the human component to dog related bites and maulings. Often times the dogs are also victims of poor handling or training, no socialization, neglect, or downright abuse.

This is also a mindset that prevails in the covering and prosecution of rapes. So often rape victims are "blamed" for what happens to them: "Oh she wore a short mini skirt and a tank top, she was just asking for trouble." "She got drunk! IF she didn't want something to happen then she shouldn't have put herself at risk!" "Well, she said 'yes' before! How was I supposed to know that her 'no' was anything but playing around?" (this was something like the excuse
> my ex-fiance used when I confronted him about my rapes 10 years ago. He also said that since i was his fiance then i didn't have the right to say no.)

So many excuses... that instead of blaming the abuser of the victim, we blame the victim of the crime instead. We've all heard the slogan that says - "No means no" - but so often I hear guys in my games or on chat channels make jokes about it. "No means no until you can convince them to say yes!" Or they talk about how they will make a girl change her mind about sex, when she has flat out rejected them. (I'm going through something like this right now, which may be the reason for this chain of thought.)

I think the rape victim community needs a new slogan that like the dangerous breed community takes the blame off the victims. I've posted my idea in the subject line, which doesn't rhyme as well, nor is it as catchy as the "blame the deed not the breed" but it does the job well.

If you read this... can you think of another one? There's no prizes involved but I'm curious to see what the people who read this journal can come up with.

I have been using various blog sites since 2003. This is just another reincarnation of the self - a different facet into a fractured psyche. One that might be a little more dry and sarcastic, instead of woe-is-me. However, if the woe comes in herds and droves, I hope whoever stumbles onto this corner will forgive me.

In my other blog, which I still maintain out of a perverse sense of self-torture there is something called "friends lists." Basically that is a misnomer as anyone on that site realizes over time. It should instead be called "people who are as curious about you as they are about a train wreck."

Eventually, what usually comes to pass is that people grow tired of hearing about my woe, or my dog, or my dreams, or my thoughts and "un-friend" me.

What a word.

At any rate, while some of the un-friending still stings based on the person, for the most part I could care less. I'm still not even sure why people even decided I was worth reading since I am pretty much the broken record of woe, peppered with paranoid fears based on a history of abuse.

Should I be flattered that so many people have been interested in the train wreck of my life? I don't know, doesn't that seem a bit sadistic? Is it another tale of "oh god her life is so much worse than mine!" so they read to feel better about themselves?

I admit I'm a bit cynical about the whole thing.

But just a bit, because one can't be negative in this world! No Siree Bob! No negativity here! I don't want the negativity police after me to rap me on the knuckles with a piece of chalk. (But if they do hunt me down, i hope the chalk is green and blue combined.)

Also, here's a thought... when does one stop being your friend? Or how about your best friend? This is something that has been troubling me for the last few months.

The woman I called my best friend in the town I reside in, has stopped talking to me about 3 months ago. The reasons I am sure could be endless, but I suppose the most simple reason is we're in two different modes of life now. She is a graduate student, with a boyfriend, and different interests. I am not even a college graduate, with no boyfriend, and I like to play World of Warcraft, spend time with my family, read an endless parade of books, and travel.

I feel like I'm in an endless repeat of my life by the way. How many times has this happened now? Not just with her, but with so many others? I think I've lost count.

I think I've also lost the ability to care, beyond the slightest twinge of "ow. that hurts."

Yeah. Ow that hurts.

Ow.



Well, lift a glass boys and girls to future friendships, to present friendships and to past friendships in all their fancies and forms. To friending, and unfriending. To memories.

Good night.

Little Sarcastic Things Making Life More Bearable

I am 32 years old. Due to being treated wtih multiple forms of hormonal birth control over the last 14 years I've never really had to deal with my menustral period. The hormone dosage always made it so my "period" didn't actually occur, thus I had no pain, discomfort, or mess ruining my plans.

This has since changed.

I went on anti-depressants in the form of Zoloft last year to combat my ongoing anxiety and depression issues while in talk therapy. I didn't want any kind of hormones being given to me that might affect how the anti-depressants would work. I was outfitted with a regular copper non-hormone IUD last year, and came off of the hormones completely.

Thus now? I am in severe pain when "that time of the month" comes around. Right now I have pain in my back, in my stomach and a headache. This can last for nearly two weeks for me - off an on pain as well as blood. It's like my body is making up for lost time.

Now, I realize this is not something most people want to hear about. It's disgusting or icky or whatever. And yes I've heard the joke "Never trust anything that bleeds for two weeks but remains alive...." but let's face it, kids, this is part of the natural life.

And if it's part of natural life that means *I* get to talk about it. Or at least make horrible jokes of my own about it to my friends:


Megan C [1:42 PM]:
I want to yank my uterus out with salad tongs at this rate.
Would you like to have my uterus for a pet? It does tricks!
Lisa C [1:42 PM]:
lol no thx
Megan C [1:43 PM]:
Bummer. Do you know of any humane societies that accept wayward uteruses? uterii? whichever.
Lisa C [1:43 PM]:
lmfao no... but there should be!

The little sarcastic things make my life more bearable overall.

To Be On Imaginary Drugs

So far this week I've been asked twice if I'm on drugs when I've said something a bit off beat. Well, I'm not, I just have a hyperactive imagination that allows me to wonder what it would be liked to be corpse camped by a platypus instead of a priest of World of Warcraft. Would you sit there laughing or just be annoyed that a mammal that lays eggs is keeping you from rezzing safely?

Perhaps it is true that I am not like the rest of the world. My therapist, Rita, says that my inner child is fully integrated into my personality and she is quite healthy. She, unlike, the rest of the world things this is a good thing because it still allows me to feel hope and wonder about the big bad world no matter what it throws my way.

It also allows me to still enjoy movies like Kung Fu Panda fully with the rest of the kids in the audience, despite being 32. I giggled when Poe destroyed a kitchen in the search of almond cookies, i felt sad when the other kung fu students insulted him for being unlike them. And i fully enjoyed it to the point of recommenging it even if everyone else views it as a "kids movie."

Granted I suppose I can see other people's point of view when I spout off some of my more odd comments. But it's not like I'm trying to be like this, this is just who I am. I'm the woman who wants to be a snuffleupagus when she grows up. I think it'd be way cool to have my own snuffle and to live on Sesame Street so I could talk to Big Bird whenever I want.

Why be something normal with so much responsibility in the real world? Why not be a shaggy elephant type creature who can rollerskate better than I do on my two human feet...? How is that so wrong when you consider the realistic alternatives...

Being an adult human is hard to do especially in these hard economic times, with all the uncertainty of how I'm going to pay for rent, gas, electric and food. If i can spend a few minutes here and there expounding on the coolness of kids tv shows, or wondering how good a walrus would be as a warlock in World of Warcraft, why am I being asked if I'm on drugs?

Have I done drugs? Why yes I have.

You know what I discovered when drunk and high? I found that I'd rather be sober with my imagination and in control of who I am; than out of control, paranoid, and feeling sick as a substance takes my mind on a roller coaster ride.

To me there is something comfortable about being different from the people who can only talk about what they saw on TV last night. It's comforting, even if it's lonely sometimes. And sometimes I do find people who understand where I'm coming from. When that happens the world clicks into place again and the smile that tickles who I am, bursts forth into full shine on my face.



In other news, my efforts in feeding the wild animals in the back yard is paying off. There is a rabbit that comes every day to gnosh in the afternoon, a very unrabbit hour for him/her to be out. Every time I see that fuzzy grayness in my backyard I hug myself and smile.... it makes me feel special.

Of Oatmeal and Driving Slow...

Nathan asks me while on the phone -

"Megan, why do people drive so slow?"

Speaking from my non-linear chains of thought I responded spontaneously:

"They drive so slow, because they are scared of the faery nazis hijacking their cars, slashing their tires and turning them into bowls of oatmeal."

Nathan bursts out laughing and we proceed to speak of the psuedo-philosophy question of "How do you know you aren't a blueberry muffin?" Since the term blueberry muffin is a human word which is a concept for human perception... thus you might be a blueberry muffin to a goldfish.

Nathan asks, "Why are you working for us?"

I reply, "Making money."

He said, "Good Answer."

Kurt, meanwhile, is laughing at me.