Too Much To Process

Today my brain is reeling from way too many thoughts.

I admit I am thinking about the past. I'm looking at what happened between 2005-2007 in my personal life and trying to view it from a slightly different perspective. It's come to my attention that it is possible that what I believed at the time was being unduly influenced by my then boyfriend's narcissism.

I'm also trying to go back to the two month span between when I was sleeping with the man that was my bennies at the time (j) to dating the man who became my boyfriend back then (n). I'm also not liking what I'm seeing, as I feel kind of stupid for making the decision I did for the reasons I did.

I keep coming back to this thought that I get tired of feeling at my core that you can't trust people. They will never treat you as well as you deserve. More often than not this is how life has played out for me though. Yet, I know I am at fault for choosign to love who I love... I tend to choose people who play out all over again the invalidation I've gotten from others in the past.

Do you know how hard it is to look back on a relationship and realize that there was emotional abuse tendacies threaded throughout it? I keep thinking I had a normal relationship only to realize how much that then boyfriend fed my insecurity which caused me to isolate myself from others.

I'm good at that mode of self-protection.

Now I want to date again but I do not trust myself to choose well. The people I want to ask out? I don't trust that any of them will treat me well emotionally, so maybe I'm just better off alone.

I want to love someone and be loved by them. Yet so often in my life because of my choice of mates, love has always been accompanied by abuse of some sort. That's not love. That's a display in the imbalance in power that can happen between two co-dependant people.

Now I find out that what I suspected to be true is in fact true. That what I had always thought was going on was. And I'm still sitting here reeling with the fact that I'm not surprised, but I am still hurt with the information I now have.

There is no set definition of what Emotional abuse actually is. It's a term that gets bandied around a lot and made to apply to many different situations. And it's appropriate for a lot of different situations, whether it's a child being told that at the age of 4 they are a slut, or an elderly man being told that since he's old he can't make his own decisions, or a woman like myself being told that I'm at fault for my boyfriend being angry.

The one definition that sticks out in my brain about the phrase "emotional abuse" is that you are made to feel responsible for what is not your fault. That can erode your self-esteem and self-worth... and you come to believe you are worth less and the only way to become worth more is to try and prove everyone wrong.

It's a futile gesture to try and prove something that can't be proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. You could be a saint, and your abuser would still tell you that everything you do is wrong.

I have been there so many times.

I understand the mechanics of abuse. I understand the underlying causes of it, and what personality types abuse others. I know what I can do for myself to make it so I'm less the victim, and with every relationship I get better at surviving and leaving. But in the back of my head I still believe that I am the root cause of all of my own misery - never mind the fact that it actually began before I really knew what cause and effect were, not to mention, personal responsibility.

I know part of my problems right now stem from an emotional boredom. I want someone to love because it can be exciting, and comfortable at the same time. I want someone to love me because I miss the "family" feeling of having someone come through the door to see Mojo and I, not because I asked them to come over but because they want to be there.

At the same time though, I know that in a month's time I will be getting ready for a new life with a lot more responsibility. I will be attempting to balance to two jobs, as well as school. I will need even more time for Mojo, my studies and my emotional health.

And yet despite this daunting prospect? I'm excited!

I'm excited because I am doing something to get out of my rut, and it's not buying a new sweater, or getting a new dog, or asking someone out. It's something just for myself and for my future. And that is exciting to me.

But until then I'm left with my thoughts, my sadness, my disappointment, and my anger. I'm left to sit here asking myself why?

Yet, even if I had all of the answers that could apply, I'd still be asking the same questions because I just can't wrap my brain around it all. It's impossible.

But then life generally is.

Irony (and my beliefs about marriage)

I was thinking this morning about my best friend from high school - Carrie. Back in high school I had assumed that Carrie would be living what is now my life - single, going to bars, living it up. And she assumed that I would be what is ultimately her life - married, kids, and responsability up the wazoo.

Instead she got pregnant with her kid when we were 20. And then married the dad after the fact when we were 21 I believe. She also became the step-mother to the dad's other kid, and ended up having a second child with him.

I was thinking how ironic it was that here I am going to concerts, and clubs every weekend making my own club clothes and living a free life while she is saddled with 3 kids and a not-so-great marriage.

I know for myself that I am pretty happy with the state of my affairs right now. Yes, I get lonely and wish I had a boyfriend where I could just go hang out at his house and read on his bed while he does something else. Or I get tired of coming home to just my dog for company... But ultimately my life is where I want it.

Unlike Carrie's belief that I would want kids when I "got older," I still don't want children. I have a lot of reasons and I'm sure that a lot of people would call me selfish... but I can't even picture myself with a child of my own. That's not something that I can see ever happening to myself. I can see myself with two dogs, but not a kid - unless it's of the goat variety.

(Yes, I can still see myself owning goats again - they are really neat animals.)

I'd love to have a long term companion to share my life with. Someone to travel with and share memories with. Someone to maybe grow old and cranky with but who wouldn't have to marry me for that privledge. It is my belief that love does not make the marriage and marriage does not make the relationship. I just want someone to share my life with.

Marriage has it's benefits like financial stability for one... but there are times I just see marriage as nothing more than a business arrangement between two people. That's what my parents marriage is more or less like. There are days I don't even believe my parents LIKE each other... but they stay together because it's easier than dissolving their finances.

Granted not all marriages are like my parents, but still I see this sort of situation happening far more often the older the couple gets.

In other words - Marriage is started off with "love." They evolve into business. You don't have to like the person you just have to handle your joint money responsibly. And that does involve fidelity - because if you go outside the arrangement then you ultimately will spend the joint money irresponsibly thus putting the business of marriage that your partner andyourself have.

I'm so cynical sometimes.

;P

Explanations of life may be repeated to infinity as the mind solves the mysteries within.

Since tonight I am missing Inferno's Animania night I've decided to stay in bed watching Appleseed and Ghost in the Shell II. As much as I like the original Ghost in the Shell, it does not draw me in quite like II does. I don't know if it's watching the basset hound or watching Batou struggle with his grief... but the philosophy of it is more engaging than all the action in the original.

Thus here I am thinking about many things that I have vocalized before that my depression colors in the subdued rainbow hues of my personality. And as redundant as my journal may be, I can't help but continue to return to the same themes that preoccupy me. It's almost as though I am trying to sort out the puzzle of it all in my head before I can move onto the next life.

Yes. I believe in reincarnation. This shouldn't be a surprised to many of you.

I constantly battle abandonment issues.
When will all of you leave? What happens when I am alone again? Will anyone come back? Will there be others? Why must everyone leave me in the end. Please don't go.

Feelings of unworth.
I have worth but I have unworth too. The value of myself set by myself is my worth. The value that others set is my worth. But the pain that is caused by myself as well as by others is my unworth. Do they balance out? Is one stronger than the other? I know I am unworthy of so many associations that I have in my life but I know I am worth more than others treat me. The constant battle between the two sides can rip me apart.

What constitutes a declaration of love?
The words? A touch? A look? The way someone treats you?

I know my dog loves me. He may not love me as a human does, but I know that he loves me with what he has in him. I know I am not my dog's only love. I know the love he has for me is based on food, companionship, and care on my part. He is dependant on me so thus he loves me and is loyal to our pact. Much like a child is dependant and thus loves it's parent even if that parent abuses every inch of that child.

That being said, I've often said in many different ways that the only people who have truly hurt me are the people who say they love me. Yet, I still pursue love. I still want someone to love me even though i know the risk is the abuse and abandonment. It seems that I want the pain of love as much as the euphoria.

I love others. The ones I love know that I love them - I tell them often. I do not wish them harm... yet I seem to cause harm despite my fervent wish not to. I wish i could stop hurting others, but that would mean the cessation of the ability to love.

A thin sharp edged knife to the psyche seems the only way to cease to hurt and to love.


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These are the puzzles that lock me into knots when I lay by myself in bed. As well as random thoughts that I wonder if I will stop breathing for good when I finally answer this life's questions. When I run out of questions will I stop being born anew? Will the evolution of the spirit finally cease and I will no longer hurt inside?

Another puzzle for another day.


Back to my movie.

It is rare indeed to feel treasured.

Right now?

That's how I feel.

As temporary and fleeting as it may be.

It's nice.