An Actual Update

I haven't been posting much on this journal. I keep up with my daily journal on another website. I can't always post to here what i post to there because a lot of it is a lot more personal than I feel comfortable sharing with the world at large. Plus on that other website I have more control over what groups of people can see which posts... so yeah...

Some things have changed and/or happened in my life. I took my first college class in a decade over the internet. I got a B in it. That made me really proud and happy of myself.

I've become more and more interested in a guy that I've known of for years. I call him PonyZen online, since I don't feel comfortable acknowledging his real name in a public forum. We are becoming good friends and I enjoy the time we spend together. He also likes going out with Mojo and I, which wins him many brownie points. We have tentative plans to go hiking this summer which I am looking forward to. :)

Mojo is doing well. I've started to change his feeding schedule in an effort to help him slim down from the winter bulk. Keeping the amount of food fed the same but feeding it in smaller portions a few times a day. My friend Catherine thinks she can already detect a small difference.

We're also trying to get some long walks in as well. I really need to get a new ipod shuffle so that I can listen to music while we're out walking. Oh and I got Mojo a new walking harness too so he will be more comfortable.

What else is goign on?

I go in a few weeks to get another tattoo. I'm going to be getting my large back piece done in small appointments throughout this year. It is starting with the base of my spine being tattooed with an image of a pocket watch with the time of my birth marked out. From there a botanical watercolor of a wood violet from the roots to the blooms will "grow" up my spine.

Before anyone asks there is a lot of personal meaning to this tattoo. I don't commit ink to my skin unless there is something very personal about it. Thus why I only have two tattoos right now. And neither of those designs are of cartoon characters or anything remotely pop culture-ish.

I am not saying those types of tattoos are bad, but that pop culture generally only marks a time in my life and aren't part of my personal identity.

Anyway, PonyZen is going with me to my first appointment to have the ink committed. I've never had a spine tattoo done before and I know they can hurt. So he's coming with me to hold my hand if need be. If I end up not finding it incredibly painful, he may just end up going home and then picking me up after everything is said and done.

I've already started to plan another tattoo for next year (or the next).. which will be a lot more simple to execute. That will be my Mojo tattoo with probably just his paw prints (true to size) and a verse that I like - "As I walk across your heart and find my place to stay, neared to you I'll be and never go away."

I'm still doing a lot of art work. I did a small panel for Zombie Day for PonyZen. I am planning out in my head something for a club night (if I can actually go to it).

But for the most part? I'm just enjoying life day by day. It has been a lot of fun. :)

Ouija for Girls?

This is disturbing on so many levels



Funny as hell... but disturbing.

Snappy Comebacks

I'm a dispatcher for a cable company. All I do is talk on the phone to technicians calling in for various reasons. It's boring, frustrating work, but it pays my bills so I keep doing it. I do my best to lighten the calls but I keep getting in trouble for singing to the techs ... it's not professional.

No it's not... but this job drives me to tears some days in it's frustrating boredom.

Anyway, a tech just said to me - "it's snowing. Oh son of a ho-hos..."

Without even thinking about it I replied, "Twinkie the kid?"

Silence. Then the tech said "Wha?"

So I had to explain which ruined the moment but I still had a giggle. :)

Last project I worked on

This was made using a pair of pajama bottoms lots of tulle, and felt snowflake trim. I think it turned out niftily. It's pretty comfy to wear dancing too.


And now new project that I am working on now -

This is a skirt i got for $4 at a thrift store. I'm planning on putting two different kinds of ribbon trim on the two tiers and then bows of alternating ribbon marking the sides. Its' for next summer I think...

The preliminary search begins

I'm starting to seriously consider getting a second dog. And as such I'm starting to make a list of the qualities I'd like to find in a dog. Since it's slightly slow at work, what with the bad weather, I shall list some of these things here.

- Must come from a humane society or rescue
- An adult dog above the age of 1.
- I have a personal preference for male dogs, but think a female would work out better with my current male dog Mojo
- Small to medium sized. I will take a large dog if it's got the energylevel of like a greyhound
- Color isn't an issue. - my dogs are not required to match either my clothes, my decor or each other.
- Short single coat
- Mid-exercise level... I do not want a dog with either a border collie's or jack's energy level. I'm pretty low energy, but I do enjoy going hiking when I can.
- Dog friendly
- Kid friendly - I do not have children, and have no intentions of having kids, but I do have my nieces and nephews to be concerned about the friendliness factor.
- Intelligence - if it's smart enough to get the meaning of my training that's good.
- I'd prefer a fairly healthy dog. I'm not rich. But I try my best to keep my dogs up to date on shots and will take to the vet as often as required (especially in emergencies).


(I admit I am more of a temperment first person than intelligence or looks first. A match on my lifestyle is another must.)

What do I have to offer?

I have a small, single story house. My yards are not fenced in although that is a future plan. My current dog goes out on a tie out for the time it takes him to go potty. I am never far away from him when he's out on his line. When we go out he is leashed at all times. I feed high quality premium food - no wheat, corn or soy, with fresh water available at all times. I do not free feed. I am low energy and I do have health problems but i try to put my dogs first because I've suffered enough heartache in losing pets due to circumstance.

I am not a breedist although I do have my preferences when it comes to dogs. I prefer mutts. I love and advocate for pit bull types. I also enjoy the other "dangerous" breeds that have fingers pointed at them so often. I'm interested in whippets, and greyhounds. Mojo is interested in everyone but he seems to occasionally have a hang up about dominant male dogs and/or german shepherds. He enjoys younger dogs as he still plays rough, despite being nearly 7.

I do not think I am ready for a second dog just yet ... I am attempting to go back to school while holding down two jobs. This may not be a good time to consider this...

But it is my belief that it is better to try to get your own list of requirements in order first so you don't just fall for the first cute face. I want another dog that works well with my current lifestyle and personality as well as Mojo's. I don't want to discover too late that I've bitten off more than i can responsibly take care of.

This is how I started off my search that led me to Mojo. And I've had nearly five years with him - five good years of not regretting my decision to adopt him. I'd like to give another homeless dog a home, a soft bed, plenty of food, vet care, and snuggles. We all deserve that in some form or another.

RFK, Obama, and Optimism

Ever since watching the movie "Bobby," I've found myself facinated with Robert F. Kennedy. For my Christmas present this year, I've even requested some books about RFK, because I find his speeches to be comforting in times of mental turmoil. When work is making my head ache I do searches that yield interviews and pictures like the ones below.

Is it another obsession? I don't think so. I just want to know more about this polarizing figure who gave people hope much like the way Obama has given people hope this year.

Hope seems to be in short supply. I look at pictures like this from the 1930's and realize that those poverty striken people from the depression are a lot like what I see in my life now.

Sure, we all have electronics coming out of our ears. We have nice furniture, and blankets on our beds. We can still shop the sales at stores and be dressed in fashion. But how many Americans are wondering how they will pay their heating bills this year? Look at the people applying for unemployment these last few months - so many that the states are running out of money.

I personally look at my grocery list and try to get only the basics - tortillas, bread, milk, salsa, eggs, noodles, apples. I've begun to shop for clothes at used clothing stores more and more and more. I'm still spending money trying to get ready for Christmas, but from my christmas cards to my gifts I'm making it all.

I may have nice things, but I have a lot of the same worries. Can i keep my house? Will we stay warm? Am I going to be fired from my job? How can I afford the medications I *have* to take this month?

I can let everything else go but I want to keep my dog, my journals and my art work. I would give everything up from my computer to my house to my car if I can just keep the center of my world (my dog) and my artwork/writing. Everything else is just things, but those three elements help me to stay grounded in who I am personally as a separate entity in this world.

Despite looking forward to the inaugeration of President-elect Obama, I find myself being a little cynical at the same time. I know nothing is going to be fixed over night. That would be like waking up tomorrow and seeing gold dripping off of trees - not likely to happen.

But at the same time of knowing nothing will change so quickly, I also know one must continue to cultivate hope well-watered with the virtue of patience in order to see change happen. Optimism is sometimes hard for me to hang onto, when I see the world going to hell in a handbasket with a snowball named kitten. But I shall continue to try, as I do want to see a better day before I die.

~*~




Juan Romero - An iconic image of a young man besides a fallen hero. Remembered.


One more article that drew my heart into my throat.

I registered for classes last night.

So far I have been able to enroll in one class that fits my time schedule. I can only take classes that are 5:30 or later and even then it will be a hell of a rush to get to class on time. So, my ONE class so far is actually aimed at Tourism Students - Occupational Conversation Spanish. It will be on Mondays from 5:30pm to 8:20 and is worth 3 credits.

And i have one self-paced online course covering beginning powerpoint, word and excel 2007. It is worth 1 credit.

I am also on a waiting list for a non-degree sewing class that my friend Catherine is already signed up for. That is on Thursday nights from 6:30 - 9:30pm 1-29 to 3-5.


What does all of this mean? It means I need to dig deep into my pockets and pay for everything without a loan (can that even be done in this day of student loans?). It also means a slow slog through school based on what I can pay not on what I am capable of learning.

I mean I'm the chica who was wondering if she could take beginning nursing classes just to take them. Why? Because I am curious. I also want to take blacksmithing classes. Why? Because I'm curious.

I've waited 10 years to go back to school and now I just want to learn as much as I can. Why? That's right... because I'm curious!

Silly silly me.

:D

But I'm also really happy at the present moment that I at least have the chance to learn anything I want as long as I can pay for it.

Keeping Hope and Goals Alive

I admit it I don't really understand the overall ramifications of the current economic crisis in the United States. I don't even really understand how it's going to affect me. But what I do understand is that I have to make sure that no matter what happens I need to keep my dog with me, a roof over our heads, food in our mouths and warmth in our house. I also need to stay on my medications for my asthma as best as I am able.

A lot of people are losing their beloved pets due to home foreclosure. I do not intend to be one of those people. As much as I don't want to lose my house, I really don't want to lose my dog. Even if I'm homeless I still want to keep Mojo.

For just once in my adult life I want to keep a dog from the time I adopt him to the time he dies. I want to provide good to excellent care and to give a stable non-abusive household to said dog. After all the shit I went through in trying to do that for Kody and failing miserably, I just really want to give Mojo a good permanent home.

On the job front:
I have stopped looking for another job. I may not always like my job, but it is at least paying me well, and I have health benefits. I'm still trying to better myself so that when my job search begins again I will be more able to find a job.

Despite my concerns about my personal finances I'm still trying to go back to school this coming semester. I will not be taking out a student loan because I *know* I wouldn't be able to keep up with the payments. So I will be paying for each class out of my own pocket.

As of right now - the only hopes for classes I have for the coming semester are:
Online Courses:
Excel Beginning $112
Excel Intermediate $112

A non-credit sewing class (I really want to learn how to sew my own clothes). $40

Once I take my placement tests and/or transfer my credits from Bemidji State University I will worry about how I will do the required English and Math skills. My big problems there are oriented with what times they offer those classes in relation to what my work schedule is.

But I'm trying to keep up hope that I will get back to school somehow. I still don't even have the intention to graduate, I just want to learn something new asnd keep my mind from stagnating any more than it currently is.

Is it cynical of me to say that I'm trying to train my mind/heart to just accept that I need to keep my center around Mojo, school, and financial survival?

I want to date. I want to be emotionally close to someone. But I'm so scared of the potential for pain that I just can't take the steps to opening my mouth and asking. My physical needs are currently being met, and my emotional needs are being partly met via friends. If I could date again, I find my desire to ask centered on one person. But that one person isnt someone I have the courage to really, fully ask.

Mojo, school, money.
Mojo, school, money
Mojo, school, money.

No boys allowed. ;)

Just kidding.

Sort of.

Wow even someone on foxnews thinks pit bull bans are stupid

One of the few times I agree with FoxNews is when I read this opinion piece.

Last Night's Episode with Mojo's Brattiness

You heard me.
Mojo is a brat.
A spoiled, demanding brat of a dog.

Last night I was out shoveling snow with him running around on his lead line. As I began shoveling my driveway I noticed that he was sitting on our front porch watching me. I figured I was only going to be another five minutes so I didn't go put him in the house.

When I was in the middle of shoveling my driveway Mojo barked once. I looked up to see where the dog or human was. No one was there.

I looked back at Mojo and he was staring at me. So, I go back to shoveling. Mojo barked again, this time with more emphasis and volume.

I looked up again. No one. Looked at Mojo he was now standing on the front porch with his tail raised like a flag.

I sighed.

I then walked over and opened the door for Mojo. I told him, "You are a brat." Mojo wagged his tail and sat inside our enclosed front porch and watched as I finished shoveling.


Brat.

Too Much To Process

Today my brain is reeling from way too many thoughts.

I admit I am thinking about the past. I'm looking at what happened between 2005-2007 in my personal life and trying to view it from a slightly different perspective. It's come to my attention that it is possible that what I believed at the time was being unduly influenced by my then boyfriend's narcissism.

I'm also trying to go back to the two month span between when I was sleeping with the man that was my bennies at the time (j) to dating the man who became my boyfriend back then (n). I'm also not liking what I'm seeing, as I feel kind of stupid for making the decision I did for the reasons I did.

I keep coming back to this thought that I get tired of feeling at my core that you can't trust people. They will never treat you as well as you deserve. More often than not this is how life has played out for me though. Yet, I know I am at fault for choosign to love who I love... I tend to choose people who play out all over again the invalidation I've gotten from others in the past.

Do you know how hard it is to look back on a relationship and realize that there was emotional abuse tendacies threaded throughout it? I keep thinking I had a normal relationship only to realize how much that then boyfriend fed my insecurity which caused me to isolate myself from others.

I'm good at that mode of self-protection.

Now I want to date again but I do not trust myself to choose well. The people I want to ask out? I don't trust that any of them will treat me well emotionally, so maybe I'm just better off alone.

I want to love someone and be loved by them. Yet so often in my life because of my choice of mates, love has always been accompanied by abuse of some sort. That's not love. That's a display in the imbalance in power that can happen between two co-dependant people.

Now I find out that what I suspected to be true is in fact true. That what I had always thought was going on was. And I'm still sitting here reeling with the fact that I'm not surprised, but I am still hurt with the information I now have.

There is no set definition of what Emotional abuse actually is. It's a term that gets bandied around a lot and made to apply to many different situations. And it's appropriate for a lot of different situations, whether it's a child being told that at the age of 4 they are a slut, or an elderly man being told that since he's old he can't make his own decisions, or a woman like myself being told that I'm at fault for my boyfriend being angry.

The one definition that sticks out in my brain about the phrase "emotional abuse" is that you are made to feel responsible for what is not your fault. That can erode your self-esteem and self-worth... and you come to believe you are worth less and the only way to become worth more is to try and prove everyone wrong.

It's a futile gesture to try and prove something that can't be proven to someone who doesn't want to believe. You could be a saint, and your abuser would still tell you that everything you do is wrong.

I have been there so many times.

I understand the mechanics of abuse. I understand the underlying causes of it, and what personality types abuse others. I know what I can do for myself to make it so I'm less the victim, and with every relationship I get better at surviving and leaving. But in the back of my head I still believe that I am the root cause of all of my own misery - never mind the fact that it actually began before I really knew what cause and effect were, not to mention, personal responsibility.

I know part of my problems right now stem from an emotional boredom. I want someone to love because it can be exciting, and comfortable at the same time. I want someone to love me because I miss the "family" feeling of having someone come through the door to see Mojo and I, not because I asked them to come over but because they want to be there.

At the same time though, I know that in a month's time I will be getting ready for a new life with a lot more responsibility. I will be attempting to balance to two jobs, as well as school. I will need even more time for Mojo, my studies and my emotional health.

And yet despite this daunting prospect? I'm excited!

I'm excited because I am doing something to get out of my rut, and it's not buying a new sweater, or getting a new dog, or asking someone out. It's something just for myself and for my future. And that is exciting to me.

But until then I'm left with my thoughts, my sadness, my disappointment, and my anger. I'm left to sit here asking myself why?

Yet, even if I had all of the answers that could apply, I'd still be asking the same questions because I just can't wrap my brain around it all. It's impossible.

But then life generally is.

Irony (and my beliefs about marriage)

I was thinking this morning about my best friend from high school - Carrie. Back in high school I had assumed that Carrie would be living what is now my life - single, going to bars, living it up. And she assumed that I would be what is ultimately her life - married, kids, and responsability up the wazoo.

Instead she got pregnant with her kid when we were 20. And then married the dad after the fact when we were 21 I believe. She also became the step-mother to the dad's other kid, and ended up having a second child with him.

I was thinking how ironic it was that here I am going to concerts, and clubs every weekend making my own club clothes and living a free life while she is saddled with 3 kids and a not-so-great marriage.

I know for myself that I am pretty happy with the state of my affairs right now. Yes, I get lonely and wish I had a boyfriend where I could just go hang out at his house and read on his bed while he does something else. Or I get tired of coming home to just my dog for company... But ultimately my life is where I want it.

Unlike Carrie's belief that I would want kids when I "got older," I still don't want children. I have a lot of reasons and I'm sure that a lot of people would call me selfish... but I can't even picture myself with a child of my own. That's not something that I can see ever happening to myself. I can see myself with two dogs, but not a kid - unless it's of the goat variety.

(Yes, I can still see myself owning goats again - they are really neat animals.)

I'd love to have a long term companion to share my life with. Someone to travel with and share memories with. Someone to maybe grow old and cranky with but who wouldn't have to marry me for that privledge. It is my belief that love does not make the marriage and marriage does not make the relationship. I just want someone to share my life with.

Marriage has it's benefits like financial stability for one... but there are times I just see marriage as nothing more than a business arrangement between two people. That's what my parents marriage is more or less like. There are days I don't even believe my parents LIKE each other... but they stay together because it's easier than dissolving their finances.

Granted not all marriages are like my parents, but still I see this sort of situation happening far more often the older the couple gets.

In other words - Marriage is started off with "love." They evolve into business. You don't have to like the person you just have to handle your joint money responsibly. And that does involve fidelity - because if you go outside the arrangement then you ultimately will spend the joint money irresponsibly thus putting the business of marriage that your partner andyourself have.

I'm so cynical sometimes.

;P

My "older" dog.

I'm watching Mojo play with an apple. I gave it to him so he could eat it, instead he's throwing it around the house while growling and play bowing to it. Granted, he is occasionally taking delicate little nibbles when pauses long enough to stop pushing it around like a hockey puck on my wood floors.

What a goofball.

Mojo acts like a puppy so much of the time that the only way I know he's actually getting older is because the white on his face keeps spreading.

I've never had a dog like him before.

Explanations of life may be repeated to infinity as the mind solves the mysteries within.

Since tonight I am missing Inferno's Animania night I've decided to stay in bed watching Appleseed and Ghost in the Shell II. As much as I like the original Ghost in the Shell, it does not draw me in quite like II does. I don't know if it's watching the basset hound or watching Batou struggle with his grief... but the philosophy of it is more engaging than all the action in the original.

Thus here I am thinking about many things that I have vocalized before that my depression colors in the subdued rainbow hues of my personality. And as redundant as my journal may be, I can't help but continue to return to the same themes that preoccupy me. It's almost as though I am trying to sort out the puzzle of it all in my head before I can move onto the next life.

Yes. I believe in reincarnation. This shouldn't be a surprised to many of you.

I constantly battle abandonment issues.
When will all of you leave? What happens when I am alone again? Will anyone come back? Will there be others? Why must everyone leave me in the end. Please don't go.

Feelings of unworth.
I have worth but I have unworth too. The value of myself set by myself is my worth. The value that others set is my worth. But the pain that is caused by myself as well as by others is my unworth. Do they balance out? Is one stronger than the other? I know I am unworthy of so many associations that I have in my life but I know I am worth more than others treat me. The constant battle between the two sides can rip me apart.

What constitutes a declaration of love?
The words? A touch? A look? The way someone treats you?

I know my dog loves me. He may not love me as a human does, but I know that he loves me with what he has in him. I know I am not my dog's only love. I know the love he has for me is based on food, companionship, and care on my part. He is dependant on me so thus he loves me and is loyal to our pact. Much like a child is dependant and thus loves it's parent even if that parent abuses every inch of that child.

That being said, I've often said in many different ways that the only people who have truly hurt me are the people who say they love me. Yet, I still pursue love. I still want someone to love me even though i know the risk is the abuse and abandonment. It seems that I want the pain of love as much as the euphoria.

I love others. The ones I love know that I love them - I tell them often. I do not wish them harm... yet I seem to cause harm despite my fervent wish not to. I wish i could stop hurting others, but that would mean the cessation of the ability to love.

A thin sharp edged knife to the psyche seems the only way to cease to hurt and to love.


...

...

...

These are the puzzles that lock me into knots when I lay by myself in bed. As well as random thoughts that I wonder if I will stop breathing for good when I finally answer this life's questions. When I run out of questions will I stop being born anew? Will the evolution of the spirit finally cease and I will no longer hurt inside?

Another puzzle for another day.


Back to my movie.

It is rare indeed to feel treasured.

Right now?

That's how I feel.

As temporary and fleeting as it may be.

It's nice.

Reinvention

I started this blog as a way to get away from my livejournal. I was thinking I needed to take a break completely from livejournal and reinvent myself. Instead, this blog here has languished as I didn't reinvent myself - I just tried to make my life better.

I became social again. I go out with friends, go dancing, and am contemplating really going back to school this time. Really Really Go back. Yeah something like that...

My livejournal is still filled daily with my thoughts about other people, funny things my dog Mojo does, and various politcal musings. This blog? It was filled with anger laced posts about the stupidity of work.

I think I need a new job, not more anger in my life.

So, what shall this blog become? How shall i reinvent it?

I'm thinking about just deleting everything from before and using it as a portfolio. That way no one has to go to my other happygo journal and possibly be offended by the name. (like my family).

If you find me... hi!

If no one finds this corner.. then that's good too. We all need corners of the world to call our own and to keep them to ourselves.

My Brain Hemorrhages sometimes.

I just got off the phone with a tech who was out to put 10M modem into a cust’s house. Cust’s computer was running window’s 98 first edition, didn’t have an Ethernet card OR a USB port installed in the computer. I very caustically asked – “What did they expect to happen? That the computer and the modem would communicate telepathically?”

The tech didn’t laugh.
I was sad.
Maybe you will instead…

I Love Them... I Really Do...

I just spoke to a customer. His computer is not turning on, and there is nothing either the tech or I can do. Tech is there for a modem install, by having me provision the modem we cannot set up the .net email account for the customer. I try to explain this to the customer and he says – “So, what you are saying is that the web pages are not going to work tonight? I won’t be able to get online or get email right?”

I said “Sir, if your computer is non-functioning at the moment, then the internet nor the websites are going to work for you. If you, however, get a working computer the internet will function.”

Customer: “Oh. Can you repeat all of that again? I want to write it all down so I can understand it.”



I took a deeeeeeeep breath in, held it, hit the mute button, released the breath, turned the mute off and said brightly, "Sure, let's see where you are confused."

5 Minute Disturbance

Morning is a time of deep sleep for me. It's when my body finally relaxes after a romp of active dreaming and I get some of the most important rest of the night. I loathe being woken up at this time, especially suddenly. However, that being said, I don't mind being woken up if it's a sense of danger that is impending.

This morning, my dog heard something outdoors that he did NOT like. He ruffed up his fur, and walked stiff legged from the bathroom, to pace between the front and back door growling. Then a sharp series of barks erupted from his throat followed by more growling.

I woke up like a shot, lay still listening to the morning outside my window. Were those footsteps I heard? The rustling of an intruder? I did not know. I could not tell. All I knew was my dog was upset about something, and I was frightened.

After a five minute performance of canine vocal skills, my dog abruptly stopped. He didn't return to the rug in the bathroom, but instead went to lay out on the rug in the kitchen. I went to check on him, and he scrambled to his feet to meet me at the kitchen doorway, ears back, head down.

Whatever the danger was was now over. My dog was back to being submissive to me and quiet overall. The only noise his nails on the hardwood floors, no imagined sounds to be heard either by my ears or my heart or my head.



I was safe once more with my protector at my door. :)

Early Onset....

(aka where I get to laugh at myself)

This just happened. I figure it’s amusing if a little sad. It’s just one of those mornings I suppose.



Me: “Dispatch! This is megan.”

Tech: “Hey Megan this is tech 9339 ….”

Me: “Oh ok… hold on a second… gotta finish something…”

45 second pause ensues as my mind blanks out and I forget where I am.

Me: “Dispatch! This is megan.”

Tech: “Hey Megan, this is tech 9339 *STILL*…

Me: “Aw crap… I’m sorry. I blanked.. I went for the first instinct.”

Tech: “You know… with Alzheimers you can wrap your own Christmas presents and still be surprised Christmas morning.”

Me: “Yeah same holds true with pets and really small children…”

We laugh.

Me: “what can I do for you?”